.

[dhampyresa]

Mostly over my sickness, though still tired. Unfortunately this appears to be one of those times my tiredness triggers my RLS which is fucking great because the RLS makes it harder to fall asleep which makes me more tired which makes the RLS worse which makes it harder to fall asleep which makes me more tired etc.

Because I am prone to bad decisions Inktober is supposed to be a challenge and I already draw a thing a day, I had firts thought I was gonna use the month to draw/ink some comic pages but I waffled so much on details that instead I decided to try to draw two things a day: a new set of Joan of Arc pieces and going through the Mab's Drawlloween prompt list (which I only know about because iren_horrorsis doing it). I haven't posted anything anywhere because, quite frankly, it's all shite. There's maybe once in a while the glimpse of an idea that's not completely cliché/unoriginal/plain bad (the Joan halo diptych, Black Dog Seth, the Frankenstein pieta) but always ALWAYS the execution lets everything down.

And I know I KNOW I'm being irrational, that both "my art is shit and no one will ever like it" and "the art that people like is shit" cannot possibly both be true at the same time and yet. AND YET. And yet beckycloonan is doing an entire comic and I can't even do one goddamn page. And everyone else is posting such amazing art and making so much progress and I... have absolutely zero artistic talent and don't know how to draw. never have, never will.

I'm not an envious person and I'm not jealous of anyone, I just wish I could draw and am bitter I cannot.

NaNoWriMo and yuletide are also right around the corner and those have... their own issues, for me. Yuletide didn't use to, but after what happened last year (got gifted a DNW, was triggered, went to the mods, author deleted entire fandom presence) I feel like I probably should never participate in an exchange ever again. As for NaNoWriMo, I basically don't know if I can write at all anymore.

Comments

[yhlee]

I like your art.

I'm sorry things are rough right now. I don't know how it is for you, but when I am physically sick, I am also much much MUCH more prone to depression about everything else in my life--is it possible that's a factor?

I have a couple thoughts on working on art stuff that I can share if you want them, but only if you want them. CLARIFICATION: as in, stuff on how to approach art learning/habits.

I remember your Yuletide experience and I'm so sorry it's colored the whole thing for you. :( What the author did (including flouncing) is on them. It's not on you.

Thinking of you.

*hugs*

[hamletta]

I find challenges difficult. OTOH, it's nice to push yourself, especially if you're in a group, but on the other it is even more likely to end up discouraging when others "do better" -- and others always seem to "do better". (An illusion, of curse, but one can't help feeling that anyway). So I usually don't participate, or set up my own challenges, alone or with a trusted group of friends.

Anyway, hop you feel better mentally and physically. And for sure you can write. That doesn't go away. :D

Hugs!

[sovay]

I'm not an envious person and I'm not jealous of anyone, I just wish I could draw and am bitter I cannot.

I do not believe this is an accurate assessment of your art, since you have drawn at least one piece I truly love. Being sick has never improved anyone's self-assessment.

*hugs*

[isis]

Hugs to you. I like your art! Also, I agree with yhlee that your horrible Yuletide experience was not your fault and likely not to be repeated.

[china_shop]

*hugs and hugs and hugs*

[eller]

I know for a fact that you can draw! But if, in your current situation, doing a challenge upsets you - just don't do it. Maybe do something entirely else. While everyone else is playing with ink, take out your pastels as an act of silent rebellion, or something. Just don't worry about "artistic talent"; I'm not sure anything like that even exists. (I had to drop art as a subject in school because I was so bad at it...) Half of it is practice, and the other half is bringing up the energy to actually start. (And that's the harder part. I know.) I really hope you feel better soon!

[brigdh]

*hugs and sympathy*

[corvidology]

I hope you continue to feel better and that the RLS settles down.

I completely understand your feelings about Yuletide BUT that writer did that to themselves and you're not responsible for it. Nope.

[schneefink]

*hugs*

I hope you can get some good sleep!

[bunn]

I hope you get better sleep soon, and that the art looks better. I know the feeling and I very much sympathise.

[singedsun]

I hope you can get some sleep. My RLS is mild, but I know that it is definitely exacerbated by lack of sleep.

Your yuletide experience sounds awful. I'm sorry that happened, but I agree with the others that it's 100% not on you.