I done gone and history tl;dr-ed again
Feb. 9th, 2015 11:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dhampyresaThere was a war for the throne of France, and all three contenders were named Henri! There. Done.
Long story:
So it's right slam bang in the middle of the French Religion Wars, right? As in, it's 1576 and just six years ago was the Massacre of the St Barthélémy (orchestrated by Henri III's mom, Catherine de Medicis), in which a bunch of Protestants were, well, massacred, all over France. Fun times.
So this dude, Henri III is the king of France, right? He's catholic and signs a peace treaty with the Protestants. Yay! Except Henri de Guise is so not okay with this and decides to claim the French throne for his brother, because WHY THE FUCK NOT?
Henri de Navarre is why the fuck not. He's a Protestant and king of Navarre, which is a tiny tiny country that's roughly equivalent to the part of Basque country that's on the French side of the Pyrénées. And hey, he's a direct descendant of Louis XI, so that means he's got as much of a claim to the throne of France as anyone else, so why not go ahead and go for it? People loooooooooove an underdog.
Most of the beginning of the war is Henri III and Henri de Guise going at each other while Henri de Navarre... Well, he was probably fucking the maids, let's face it.
Then Henri III has Henri de Guise and his brother (remember him? he's the one Henri de Guise is trying to put on the throne) killed with halbeards (because why not, I guess). HA! HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, HUH?
Turns out the apples are poison, though, because Henri de Guise's League still has control of Paris and is really pissed and refuses to give it, which makes Henri III looks really bad.
So now Henri de Navarre is like "hey bro, you want me to help you lay siege to Paris? I'll lend you my army" and Henri III jumps on the occasion.
...And promptly ends up killed by Henri de Guise's sister. Ooops!
Which ends the war of the three Henris with Henri of Navarre laying siege to Paris all on his own, poor thing.
It should be noted that Henri de Navarre is at this point the rightful heir to the throne of France! But of course he's a Protestant (never mind that he's switched religion three times before the age on ten, he's currently Protestant) and so the League will have nothing to do with him and neither most of the French nobles.
MORE FIGHTING! *insert fighting montage*
Eventually, Henri renounces Porotestantism with "Paris vaut bien une messe" ("Paris is well worth a mass") and so becomes Henri IV, king of France and Navarre.
Out with theold Valois, in with the new Bourbon!
Henri IV is pretty famous for being an unrepentant hedonist (Le Vert-galant had 73 official mistresses), wanting all the French to eat poule-au-pot every Sunday (ie, meat once a week, ie have a country prosperous enough that no one would go hungry) and being stabbed by a Catholic fanatic.
He also put an end to religious wars in France (until Louis XIV came along).
Well worth a mass, indeed.
Oh, and also they recently found his head, because his corpse was beheaded during the 1789 revolution, as the revolutionnaries were very fond of chopping heads off kings.
FRENCH HISTORY, EVERYONE! It's not just a mess in the XIXth century.
Long story:
So it's right slam bang in the middle of the French Religion Wars, right? As in, it's 1576 and just six years ago was the Massacre of the St Barthélémy (orchestrated by Henri III's mom, Catherine de Medicis), in which a bunch of Protestants were, well, massacred, all over France. Fun times.
So this dude, Henri III is the king of France, right? He's catholic and signs a peace treaty with the Protestants. Yay! Except Henri de Guise is so not okay with this and decides to claim the French throne for his brother, because WHY THE FUCK NOT?
Henri de Navarre is why the fuck not. He's a Protestant and king of Navarre, which is a tiny tiny country that's roughly equivalent to the part of Basque country that's on the French side of the Pyrénées. And hey, he's a direct descendant of Louis XI, so that means he's got as much of a claim to the throne of France as anyone else, so why not go ahead and go for it? People loooooooooove an underdog.
Most of the beginning of the war is Henri III and Henri de Guise going at each other while Henri de Navarre... Well, he was probably fucking the maids, let's face it.
Then Henri III has Henri de Guise and his brother (remember him? he's the one Henri de Guise is trying to put on the throne) killed with halbeards (because why not, I guess). HA! HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, HUH?
Turns out the apples are poison, though, because Henri de Guise's League still has control of Paris and is really pissed and refuses to give it, which makes Henri III looks really bad.
So now Henri de Navarre is like "hey bro, you want me to help you lay siege to Paris? I'll lend you my army" and Henri III jumps on the occasion.
...And promptly ends up killed by Henri de Guise's sister. Ooops!
Which ends the war of the three Henris with Henri of Navarre laying siege to Paris all on his own, poor thing.
It should be noted that Henri de Navarre is at this point the rightful heir to the throne of France! But of course he's a Protestant (never mind that he's switched religion three times before the age on ten, he's currently Protestant) and so the League will have nothing to do with him and neither most of the French nobles.
MORE FIGHTING! *insert fighting montage*
Eventually, Henri renounces Porotestantism with "Paris vaut bien une messe" ("Paris is well worth a mass") and so becomes Henri IV, king of France and Navarre.
Out with the
Henri IV is pretty famous for being an unrepentant hedonist (Le Vert-galant had 73 official mistresses), wanting all the French to eat poule-au-pot every Sunday (ie, meat once a week, ie have a country prosperous enough that no one would go hungry) and being stabbed by a Catholic fanatic.
He also put an end to religious wars in France (until Louis XIV came along).
Well worth a mass, indeed.
Oh, and also they recently found his head, because his corpse was beheaded during the 1789 revolution, as the revolutionnaries were very fond of chopping heads off kings.
FRENCH HISTORY, EVERYONE! It's not just a mess in the XIXth century.
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(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-09 10:53 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-11 10:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-10 03:33 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-11 09:54 pm (UTC)Thank you!
(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-12 02:35 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-14 09:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-16 09:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-16 11:53 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-12 11:14 pm (UTC)...And promptly ends up killed by Henri de Guise's sister.
Wow, okay, there's a lady to watch.
Your history recaps are a lot of fun. And I grin when I see them on meme, too.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-14 10:14 pm (UTC)Thank you! Aww, thank you so much!