At its foot a man may sleep
Jun. 30th, 2022 10:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dhampyresa(Entry title taken from today's Dracula Daily. Would have gone with "Wake up babes, new gender just dropped" as a reference to "I am alone in the castle with those awful women. Faugh! Mina is a woman, and there is nought in common. They are devils of the Pit!" (the new gender being, of course, "devil of the Pit") if that had anything at all to do with the contents of this entry. I'm mentioning this because I am very proud of this stupid meme-esque joke and I refuse to have schneefink be the only recipient of the worst bits of my liveundeadblogging of this stupid book. Look. I have one think going for me right now and that is that I am up to date with Dracula Daily.)
I'm Tired. It's one thing after another after another after another and each of them worst than the last not in my life but in the world in general and I feel like I didn't do enough that I'm not doing enough that I'm not enough and what is even the point of anything. So so Tired. I've been on my current sketch book since January 1 2021, so it's been a year and half and still it has pages in it and once upon a time I finished this exact model of sketchbook in 3-3,5 months , but that was in the Before Times, when I was only a little failure and not a complete and disastrous failure. I'm not writing, I'm not drawing, I'm not working on my comic. I'm not doing anything beyond fail at everything. Just so Tired. I've started to have the body-horror not-physically-possible self-harm intrusive thoughts again. Nice to know some things never change, I guess. Tired like I've been punched in the chest.
To bring things back around to the entry title: when Jonathan says "death now seemed the happier choice of evils" my reaction isn't quiiiiiiiiiite "lol same" or "#relatable" but it's not quite not that either. But my reaction to "the precipice is steep and high. At its foot a man may sleep—as a man" is definitely "that sounds SO NICE" and yes, in part for reasons of Gender but also not.
schneefink be the only recipient of the worst bits of my I'm Tired. It's one thing after another after another after another and each of them worst than the last not in my life but in the world in general and I feel like I didn't do enough that I'm not doing enough that I'm not enough and what is even the point of anything. So so Tired. I've been on my current sketch book since January 1 2021, so it's been a year and half and still it has pages in it and once upon a time I finished this exact model of sketchbook in 3-3,5 months , but that was in the Before Times, when I was only a little failure and not a complete and disastrous failure. I'm not writing, I'm not drawing, I'm not working on my comic. I'm not doing anything beyond fail at everything. Just so Tired. I've started to have the body-horror not-physically-possible self-harm intrusive thoughts again. Nice to know some things never change, I guess. Tired like I've been punched in the chest.
To bring things back around to the entry title: when Jonathan says "death now seemed the happier choice of evils" my reaction isn't quiiiiiiiiiite "lol same" or "#relatable" but it's not quite not that either. But my reaction to "the precipice is steep and high. At its foot a man may sleep—as a man" is definitely "that sounds SO NICE" and yes, in part for reasons of Gender but also not.