I like the scansion just fine in your verses #2 and #3. I particularly like I will walk with eyes fixed on my thoughts, lost,, and pretty much all verse #3; it's simple but very dignified.
I trip up a little in your verse #1 - it's partly that I can't quite figure out how to read out the "you see" and "so help me" tags at the ends of the lines, and the bit about "when whiten the fields" is also tripping me up in terms of where to place emphasis.
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Date: 2016-01-27 08:55 pm (UTC)I trip up a little in your verse #1 - it's partly that I can't quite figure out how to read out the "you see" and "so help me" tags at the ends of the lines, and the bit about "when whiten the fields" is also tripping me up in terms of where to place emphasis.